Zalgo's Road Rage (Monday)
by LadyTwat
Summary: Zalgo the Bus Driver experiences a bit of road rage while driving the creepypastas. Chaos has erupted and he won't stand for it. So he does the only logical thing...


The clock's ticking echoed in the empty room. The Lord raised himself from his slumber and his eyes drowsily scanned the room. He stood up,yawned and stretched while he scratched his back. He had fallen asleep on his throne and his cloak he used for a blanket was now tied on his shoulders once more. He stomped down the staircase,walked through the palace's courtyard and into the main kitchen area. He began making his coffee. He sensed his assistant looking right at him. "Talk to me,Jeeves. What's the run down?" He stared tiredly at the machine.

Jeeves shuffled some papers. "Well,Sexual Offenderman had seven restraining orders last night."

"Call a vet or a specialist in neutering. See if we can...control his little impulses."

Jeeves nodded. "Um...the Splendorman is still interacting with human children and they've been talking about him excessively."

"Issue a warning that if that maggot steps out of line,he'll get clubbed and so will his little vermin."

"Of course,my Lord. And you'll be happy to know that our success rate of kills has risen 5% in the past year and there's a list of new creepypastas to be approved or thrown away on your desk. I'm afraid that this bunch isn't exactly...groundbreaking new material,sir."

He growled at the back of his throat and sipped his coffee.

"Ah,my Lord here are your keys." He held out his hand.

His eyes shot open like a rocket. "Keys?"

"Er...yes,my Lord. Today is Monday."

The coffee slipped from his grasp and shattered. "M-m-m-m-monday?!" He snatched the keys and made a break for the garage. He sprinted across the corridor and slid down the banister before breaking down the door. He dived into the the bus like a swimmer and revved up the engine. He slammed his foot on the pedal and busted down the garage doors before spinning the wheel and speeding down the main road.

"I'm sick of waiting. I'mma gonna turn into Trender's personal fashion doll." Jeff moaned. He stared at his watch and tapped his foot.

Hoodie glanced nervously at the group and twiddled his fingers. He tapped Ben's shoulder. "Excuse me,but I hope my horrible face won't distract you."

"Nawt at all,boi." Ben smiled with drooped eyelids like he was as high as a kite.

"Um,Ben that's not what the script for this story says." Masky called.

"Masky,you can take your script fetish elsewhere."

"How's that a f-"

The bus screeched to a stop and the doors opened. Zalgo glared at them as they got on as slow as snails. Ben slipped on the first step and snickered. He got off his knees and slipped again.

"Come on,while I'm young." Zalgo growled and shoved the gear stick forward. "I got a nail appointment at 8 and a pedicure at 9!"

"Chillax,bro." Ben smiled and barely reached his seat before the bus jerked forward. Ben hopped on the seat beside Jeff. "Eh boys,one time I cracked an egg on my head and a lemon fell out and I thought 'what a time to be alive.'"

"What does that even _mean_?" Masky squealed. "Ben,you're way off the script here."

"One time my baby was being really annoying. So I put it in da basement but then I forgot about it. I decided I didn't want my basement any more so I got rid of da door and decided to do da rest later. And when child protective services came they couldn't get to mah kid so they just wandered around mah hood. Oh yeah,I be talking 'bout the Sims."

The boys let a sigh of relief. The bus jerked to a stop and Ticci-Toby,Eyeless Jack,Laughing Jack and Jane the Killer quickly scampered into the bus.

"Get a move on piggies!" Zalgo barked and honked the horn.

Jeff stuck out his foot and Jane tripped over it before landing on her face. He howled with laughter and Jane gave him the finger before sitting behind him. Eyeless Jack and Toby sat behind Masky and Hoodie. Laughing Jack skipped down the aisle and threw candy from his arms like flowers. Ben snickered. "Hey,hey guys! Guys! I don't consider myself hip,I'm,like,shoulder."

"No,you're an ass." Jane replied and toyed with her knife.

The bus sped away and Zalgo gripped the steering wheel. The bus rattled and shook like a bouncy ball. The bus headed straight for a construction site. He crashed down the gates,workmen leaped out of the way like gymnasts and he knocked over one man leaving blood stains on the windscreen. Zalgo drove up a crane like he was ascending to the high heavens and the pastas screamed as they clung onto the seat for dear life.

A wide grin split Zalgo's face as they soared through the air like an eagle. The world felt weightless. Birds flew past gracefully and the wind glided past,the sun peaked through the clouds and shone like the almighty. Then a loud crash sent everyone a foot in the air- they had landed. Zalgo opened the bus doors and examined the slender brothers' terror-stricken faces.

"You jackasses better haul your backsides in here before I mount them on my fireplace." Zalgo glowered.

The Rake and Bob exchanged glances but shrugged,they got on first and sat in the front. Then the brothers got on and sat at the very back. Offender poked his brothers. "Hey,did you know that car horns are just their g-spots and the honks are screams of pleasure?" He smirked and sat with his legs as far apart as possible.

His three brothers shook their heads- horrified. "B-brother! That's disgusting!" Splendor exclaimed and hugged himself.

"Ha! Roses are red,violets are blue,get into bed," He smiled. "Yabba dabba doo!" He howled like a wolf.

Meanwhile,Jeff and Jane were yanking each other's hair like children.

The other pastas glared at Offender. "Bro," Ben said loudly, "My freakin' grandma can fuck faster and get more pussy than you!"

Offender shot up. "You want me to get out my yoghurt slinger?!" He unzipped his trousers and pulled down his boxers.

"OH SHHHIIIIIIIIITTTTT!"

Everyone screamed and banged on the windows like prisoners. Masky screamed about the script while Splendor threw up over his shoes. Hoodie sucked his thumb and rolled on the floor as Offender shuffled towards them.

"Every one of you shut your stinking traps before I ram this bus into a tree and kill us all!" Zalgo shrieked and honked the horn.

When it became clear no one would calm down,Zalgo slammed his other foot on the brake and spun the bus around like a carnival ride. Everyone flew to the side and their faces pressed against the glass like limp dolls. "DEUUEAUGH!" The bus rode on it's side and scraped against the road and sounded like nails against a chalkboard. It tipped over back into balance and rattled for one last time.

Zalgo panted heavily and stood up at the front of the aisle to address everybody. Trender and Slender had been knocked out,Bob fainted,Rake lay on the floor,Ben was on top of a seat,Hoodie was under a seat,Masky was collecting the papers post-haste,Splendor sobbed while rocking back and forth,Offender's butt was in full view,Eyeless Jack had his faced compressed against the window,Laughing Jack was upside down,Ticci-Toby was sprawled across the ground and Jane and Jeff got tangled in each other's hair.

"Have fun on your camping trip,my dear killers. I'll collect you next week." He carried all the bodies out of the bus and dusted his hands. He sat back down and picked up the phone. "Jeeves? It's me. Cancel all my appointments and yours as well. We're taking a vacation to Hawaii for a week."

* * *

**I had way too much fun with this. I thought this in the dead of night and I thought '**_**yes**_**.'**


End file.
